mali: after party

gbye

2011-06-07T11:08:00.000-07:00

some things are better left unsaid.
i, hereby, am saying goodbye to this blog.
thanks for all who have been reading diligently :)
all the care and happiness in the world, cheers!

xo

ahora

2011-05-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

yknow, ive made a vow that i'd be diligent enough to write.
oh well.
ive had this blog for almost 4years now and ive changed the url like, two or three times. hah.
just now, i was so excited to write but i really am not feeling well right now and every movement is kind of hurt :(
stay, please? :)

much love,
xo

wavering

2011-04-28T02:39:00.000-07:00

a rocky journey that full of falls and stumbles
that most of the time, are surprises to me.
they need my solid answer.
i dont have that.
im always unknowing.
so for now,
i say no.
it breaks my heart, a little bit, i guess.
but somehow, i feel great. like a massive headache that's forever gone.
like ive gotten something out of my chest and off of my shoulder.
dear stanford,
inshallah.
maybe next time. maybe.
im happy with where i am right now.
the bright side is,
i kind of feel like it is the right decision because right now, im certain to go into health psychology and stanford doesnt have that. clinical, yes.
ive talked to a lecturer of mine and some great malaysian psychologists, they told me that some of the best health psychology departments are in the U.K.
should i do my graduate studies there?
well, the future is a blurry matter. i used to plan everything ahead and to be honest, i hate that haha
over the past few years, ive stopped planning. things do get out of control sometimes but ive found some kind of calmnesse in that.
ive been thinking about going into medical school again but of course if i opted for an M.D, i'd definitely go into psychiatry- which i dont think i'd ever do.
sometimes, i feel like quitting school and just continue working in this hectic, propagated journalism world. im having fun but it gets dull over time.
and sometimes, i feel like just taking out my saving and start a small business of a bakery or a car workshop.
haha i dont know.
oh well,
amalina, youre only 21 (coming into 22). lets just have fun doing what other 21-year-olds are doing. so amalina, stay focus and make the important people proud of you. which, in other words, hit the books and bust your ass studying!
jeez. i do need such motivation haha (btw, i know its creepy talking in a 3rd-person)

until next time,
xo

tumblr

2011-04-18T23:52:00.001-07:00

check it outttt. finally! ehehe :P

maliomars.tumblr.com

the end

2011-04-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

you wouldnt know how much it actually hurts.
you wouldnt know how does it really feel.
i guess,
everyone who's in love, is pretty much the same.

you hope,
you give in,
you just love.

if only you knew...
how much am i hurting.

thanks, though, for telling me that it's finally the time
to stop hoping and giving in and loving you.

thanks

i dont have much

2011-04-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

i met up with ryan.
:) and it was all good and overwhelming in the same time.
he told me something. wow. ryan. hahaha
i never thought of him changing into such a new person. the person that i met just now, is not even close to who he was 5years back.
ive never met such good guy that's not selfish at all. you got me there, ryan.
thank you for telling me the truth :) inside, i love you. as a bud that i know i'll always have.
thank you for telling me the right thing to do, i really need that.
i can only hope, that i'll be making the right choice.
it's not that im scared of getting hurt again.
im scared if i'd look like a dumbass again- someone that would always be taken easily.
you see,
i dont have that much of a strength to endure all that anymore.

xo

para ti :) una persona especial,,

2011-04-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Si te pudiera contar tantas cosas que han pasado en mi vida, te darias cuenta que yo deje de escribir cartas hace mucho tiempo, no solo deje de escribir, sino que tambien deje de creer y de sentir, pero en este momento de mi vida apareciste y no se como ni porque fue pero me has hecho sentir cosas que hace mucho no sentia, al igual que tu, pienso que eres lo mas hermoso que me ha pasado y realmente agradezco el hecho de haberte visto nuevamente ya que surgio en mi algo maravilloso, como es el amor que siento por ti, tambien se que estamos lejos, pero realmente creo que la distancia ha ayudado a que crezca lo que siento por ti y lo mejor es que ahora te voy a tener cerca durante un mes, eso es lo mejor que me ha pasado, despues de haber compartido contigo esos 2 hermosos dias, no sabes las ganas que tengo de verte y tocarte, poder besar tus labios, acariciar tus mejillas y poder mirar esos hermosos ojos que inspiran tanta dulzura.

Te voy a estar esperando, y contare todos los dias hasta que te pueda tener junto a mi otra vez
Te quiero como no tienes idea.

p/s: no sieste quien pero por favor, escucha a tu corazon :)

xo

who am i, really?

2011-03-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

i have this assignment, a 3500words essay,
in which basically i can just babble about myself. but, i really want to make this a meaningful assignment. a piece that speaks.
so, who am i?
what am i?
haha i dont know.
oh, well. here goes.

i dont like kids but im not a kid-hater.
i think old people sucks but i love them, they're adorable.
i hate animals but i still care for them. i once joined a 'save the tiger' campaign by wwf.
i hate being fat but im an ultimate foodie.
i dont do commitment but i go aww over weddings and sweet couples.
i can drink milk other than 2% and chocolate milk.
im good with money but once i splurge, i splurge well (or bad) :P
i dont really like getting all sweaty and dirty but i enjoy running and trekking the woods.
i love cars but i hate driving.
im not much of a gadget-crazy but i still drool over some latest techs.
i avoid oily food but i think cheese is alright.

haha at this point,
i feel that im pretty much a complicated person. lol :D

a lil help, anyone?

xo

lucky

2011-03-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

for every time you weep over bad things that coming in your way,
for every time you go berserk whenever stress gets all over you,
stop.
just stop and take a deep breath. then, think.
perhaps, a while ago when youve been draining your tears because of the bad grade that you got or you cussed over your unfaithful partner,
somebody on the other side of the world is in a worse situation. a car crash, fell over, or death.
bad things happen all the time. the degree is sometimes infinite. and always, always remember that youre luckier than some people even though bad luck seems to strike you more than once, or twice. sometimes more.
let me share something.
hear me out.

salaam.
like other girls, i dream of the same thing.
i want to be happy. i want to love and have my very own sweet love story.
i want to get married and have cute kids. i want to cook and bake with my main man and my adorable kids. i want my own family photo for every occassion, all year around.
i want to travel the world with them.
i want to be referred to as 'mrs. xxx'.
i want to have such life.
but,
my whole life, ive never been that healthy. i was alright some time ago but as the years, the ups and downs passed,
ive developed this permanent health condition which disallowed me to be like a full-bloomed woman i ought to be.
i cant get pregnant.
there, i said it. knowing that, you couldnt really imagine how crushed am i.
i know, some (most) people say it's too early to predict this.
it is very true. Allah's miracles work in zillions ways.
but, whilst getting to that,
i somehow feel that im not as worthy as anybody else.
(plus, i havent found my mr. right yet hehe)
having to go to the hospital on weekly basis is very tiring.
extremely tiring.
aite, end.

the reason why im writing all that is,
to let you guys know that youre better in every way.
all those bad things that happen are mostly external, so,
they're workable, fixable.
:)
dont sweat.

p/s: im super bored.

from this comfy hospital bed,
xo

a love or alone?

2011-03-12T11:26:00.000-08:00

once im in my bubble bath

i like to stir up more.

half the suds go in my eyes

and half go on the floor.

the fun is in the bubbles 'cause

they giggle on my skin,

and when i stick them on my face

they dangle from my chin.

and when i splash them hard enough

they pop and disappear,

and then my bath time's over 'cause

ive made the water clear.

living large

2011-03-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

it's so cool that i have a cousin that works as a flight attendant at an international airline.

which means,

she travels outside the domestic air ALL THE TIME!

:) you're so lucky, kak zana!

how i wish i could be an F.A but

hahaha i wonder what would i write in my CV...

name: amalina

glamorous nickname: mali (ugleyhh)

height: barely 5'5"!

weight: T_T can i just skip this q

make up skills: zilch. i only use vaseline face cream and chapstick for any (every) occassion :s

people skills: i can talk about biology and psychology all the time; i can help to deliver babies; i can entertain people with my singing (because i have such a croaky voice); i make the best milo O in the world (ehehe)

why should i become a flight attendant: BIG MONEY and NEW PLACES ON DAILY BASIS!!! okay, jawab dalam hati hehe

all the best, kak zana :) we can see how very much in love you are with your new career :)

astaghfirullahaladzim...

2011-02-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

yesterday, i came across a sensational (by now) article by adrian goldberg of bbc news. i thought his piece is nothing more than a make-up yellow journalism but reading through, i thought,
wow.
just wow.
what's happening to the world today? moreover, what is up with muslims today? :(
*take this as an acknowledgement, not criticism- i am, too, in need of reminder(s) all the time*
do we, muslims, really grasp the most basal layer of this very religion? are we living in islam, iman, and ihsan?

we're living in the world where tolerance comes with a price.

the very justification of this issue is outrageous.

for those of you who had a read on the article should be clarified that the holy quran never justifies such practice. in fact, the whole point of having matrimonial contract or 'nikah' has bigger value than to please one's desire to be with another.

we are created from the time where adam and eve were joined in matrimonial event to breed into this pool of 'human nation' which in turn continues to afford a life for their next generation.

how does the practice of homosexual marriages fit into this purpose?

are we that selfish of a human being that our own desires and so called 'rights' come before those that we indebted our life to?

and yes, living in the post modernist world may allow you to parade and voice out your opinion within 'your' defined context.

dont accuse me of being a discriminant or a (insert your context of view)-phobist just because i have the need to voice my mind out too.

perhaps, im old fashioned but my teachings had taught me well that to choose a faith is optional but to go against a clear-cut principle within the chosen faith has its consequences.

may we all be under HIS guidance and may HE only be the judge in everything uncertain (wallahua'lam)

goldberg wrote,
"British gay Muslims are joining the global fight for equality and seeking gay Islamic marriage. The BBC's 5 live Investigates speaks to one couple about their 'nikah' - a Muslim matrimonial contract - and asks how they balance their sexuality with the Islamic faith."

and the rest of the article can be read here http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12486003

just today, in the star, an extremely shocking (more like a rude awakening!) news was in. i just hope that the other fellow muslims would be as furious as i am. do read. and think, about the relevance and significance. and how such implementation is misaligned with the quran and sunnah, and the shariah itself. please read up,

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/2/22/courts/8108066&sec=courts

when compulsory obligations become optional,

in the name of the so-called justified equality.

wake up.

allahuakbar.

pergi deting

2011-02-19T01:17:00.001-08:00

pergi deting by amalina22 featuring ballet flats

bruno mars in concert woohoo!

2011-02-19T00:51:00.001-08:00

bruno mars <3 by amalina22 featuring a biker jacket

live en malasiaaaaaaa

talking to the moon

2011-02-17T11:30:00.000-08:00

far

unreachable

distant

the one and only

always there.

if i were dead,

2011-02-10T22:18:00.000-08:00

1. please make sure that i really am dead. who knows i was just in a coma state that i woke up after 3days in the grave.

3. and if i was really pronounced dead, please hold my funeral and do the burial a.s.a.p.

2. please spare me your prayer(s). even the shortest ones.

3. ive got nothing to give you in return of your prayer(s) but you guys can have my purses and shoes (on a special note, the chanel will go to my mom).

4. dont cry for me (a river). im sure i cant bear more torments in the barzakh.

with this very post, i would like to apologize for every little and big things that i might have done, written, and said. hopefully,

may all of us will die in imaan and islaam.

inshallah.

"we never know how our life will turn out to be but we share the same ending, the same finale. which is death."

because my heart is both drunk and a kid

2011-02-06T05:24:00.000-08:00

what i am today is different from what i was 5 years ago. heck, even who i was last week is different from who i am right now.
the power of learning is just beautiful. knowledge, in theory, is information that we acquire through our senses. in practical, of course, is experience.
why am i babbling about this past-future thing?
well,
today i did something brave. well, an unplanned one, too.
i was cleaning out my book closet (yes, i have a closet full of books) and i found an old notebook which i used for anatomy204 back in tufts. flipping through the pages of my drawings of the brain, bones, and boobies, i came across a letter that i never remember writing. it is a six-page love letter haha to someone that i loved and cared- which was already my ex at that time.
i realize how i have grown mentally (and physically T_T). that letter is dated back in 2007.
in that letter, i wrote as if i was talking to him. as if he was right in front of me. even when i read the worst part of the letter, i couldnt help but laughed. oh, boy. how unknowing was i back then. how i was a big dreamer that had one foot in reality while the other one in the fantasy lane. how i hoped and trusted so very much. how i was happy and carefree.
well, 5 years is a long time.
reading back the letter has made me realize that i am blessed with experiences. theyre not always pleasant ones but the most important thing is that ive learnt.
even just now, i read back all the things that i posted here in my blog, its funny that most of them are about love, dreams, and hopes. guess what, i never changed.
5years ago, i yearned for the very same things. but only in a different way.
now, 5years later, i still want love, i still dream the impossible dreams, and i never stop hoping for so many things to happen.
real love, true happiness- these are the things that i very much want in this world.
perhaps, that is why i am constant about all these.
those are my hope and dream.
cheers to,

change and transition-

that rule us all.

x

really?

2011-01-20T22:36:00.000-08:00

for every time we think of our loneliness is solely pinned by the absenteeism of company,

think again.

before we play the blame game,

before we point finger to the other,

before we turn nasty and getting all girly, oh-so-the-drama on them,

think again.

our relevance and significance.

the world is cruel- so what?

life is unfair- deal with it.

suddenly all these solitude and misery- trust me, baby, that you're not alone.

think before you act,

think deeply before you raise out the voice inside of you because words are harmful.

they are killers in the sense that they act like this invisible sword that will definitely slash them out of themselves.

you rip them hard. with an awful lot of pain and agony, whether you realize it or not.

you mash them up. with the so-called analysis that is built based on your constructive assumption.

grow up, little boy.

think about others.

know that the world doesnt evolve around you alone.

and stay away from any drama.

for every time the company drifts away from you,

try asking this question,

"am i really worth it?"

truth hurts.

just like your words.

call me vindictive.

the truth is,

im tired.

and i dont call for you. i never do.

that is because,

im pretty much through.

you

2011-01-17T18:25:00.000-08:00

the hell with taking chances.
like playing hardcore roulette,
one blow and youre out.
im no steel and metal,
im no invincible,
im no superman.
or superwoman in this matter.
im fragile
im typical
im hurt
im just a girl.
real love and true happiness,
i only ask for those two.

"just like little girls and boys
playing with their little toys
seems like all we really were doing
was waiting for love...
thought i'd been in love before
but my heart wanted more
seems like all i really was doing
was waiting for you...
it's real love
yes it's real"
-j.lennon.

be true, silly heart.
deep down, i love you too.

x

not even a half

2011-01-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

even when you have upgraded to a snazzy ride,
you would still miss the old wagon.
its smell; the nostalgic and smokey ripped leatherette.
its paint job; definitely not the best and yet, its something that you dont mind having.
its broken parts; such a waste of time and money but you dont care. at all.
because you realize that,
this old, once cool, jittery, crappy, dented, imperfect
wheel
is the only one youve got.
the one that you thought you hate when the fact is,
it grows in you that letting it go would probably the hardest-however-right thing to do.
and when the new pride arrives,
you look at the sleek metallic and pout.
"damn, gotta be extra careful"
you rest up in the fine bucket racer seat and shrug.
"shoot, doesnt feel that good"
and then, you take her up for a cruise.
"the clutch is too hard"
"hmm, broken absorber"
"okay, that sound, that's not supposed to come out"
"MY DEAR OLD WAGON WAS BETTER"
there,
finally,
the ultimate recognition.
regret much?

god works His miracles in mysterious ways possible (and impossible).
sometimes, you just have to get crushed over and over again before you can actually stand solidly.
the matter of doing the right thing, choosing the best option?
hey :) we are only humans.
never scared of taking chances.
you would hurt some people along the process. but perhaps, as the process goes, you might please a whole lot more.
though that doesnt seem comforting at all, it is important to have a concrete reality to hold on to-
we cant always get what we want and if making mistake(s) is the way to betterment, so be it.
im always high,
im always confused,
im always indecisive.
but one thing that i crave more than a good double hot fudge mudpie,
definitely is
contentment.

x

my list(s)

2011-01-02T12:50:00.000-08:00

salaam :) may all of us are having a great kick-start of 2011 thus far.
my whole life, i must say that im very much dictated by list of infinite things.
say, a get-healthy-and-lose-pounds list. or common enough, a what-i-want-in-guys list. i dont have any solid backfire to such lists of mine. they suck haha i mean, out of 10 things that are on the list, i probably had only checked out two, if not one. or none.
but they work wonders most of the time. i need some kind of reinforcement and motivation in order for me to do, well, to actually start doing stuff. its nice (though sad) to have a lil sneak peek before you get the whole construction complete.
anyhoo. whilst waiting for my laundryeth, do ye mind my sharing my to-do (wish)lists?

1. cometh 2011, i shall...
- lose weight
- be skinny
- study harder
- save up money
- try looking for a new car
- etc
- etc
...
- etc.

:P hehe im just kidding. i never really make plans what my year should be like. im the kind of person that prefers to sit back and wait for things/miracles to happen.
yeaa. not really the coolest person on the planet, i know.
two things that i want to share in the form of a list: things i want and places i want to travel. because i love bags and shoes. and traveling, too. i often think having a career as a travel writer is the shizz. epic, nevertheless (okay, i know epic is an overrated word now. good thinking for banishing it. epic. heheh)

a) PLEASE GET ME ALL THESE (alolo so tiut kan the title haha)
- black balenciaga city
- pairs of giuseppe zanotti
- chanel's flap (vintage, jumbo c, gold chain. big size now)
- new wardrobe
- light pink chucks
- a new phone because mine's pretty busted
- a new ride of my own- barney's become everyone's first car now

b) I WANT TO GO TO
- south america
- europe for a backpacking adventure (though the train crash in sweden shook me up)
- india
- thailand
- NYC for a lil retail therapy (okay, that sounds spoilt haha)
- biarritz
- san sebastian
- ipanema (hot guys to look/die for)
- mexico (the island part like cabo or cancun)
- every country in the world!

hahaha why dream small small one? when you dream, might as well dream big, yes? no? yes? oh yes
:P

x

f's tourette attack

2010-12-21T04:03:00.000-08:00

funny people. pfft.
hahahaha and sad, too.
pfft.

x

2010

2010-12-17T04:55:00.000-08:00

hello :) salaam. mabuhay. hola.
wow. its december.
:)

x

"this is a good sign, having a broken heart. it means we have tried for something."

2010-11-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

i dont regret- i wont.
i sometimes feel the words 'love' and 'relationship' are way too overrated. sometimes.
"i love you"
okay, say it and now lets take a leap into a far more serious and steady relationship, namely a commitment.
having to actually declare this very relationship, i felt like as if i were to get married; a so-called unbreakable vow that ties two people that seems so sacred you are ought to seek perfection in every single thing that you do together.
get it?
its okay if you dont. i have things with words and wacky ways of explaining them haha im sorry.
my point is, why should being in love and having a relationship are kind of stressful?
i guess that goes back to the idea of trying to get a good hold of it.
my whole life, i had been with two guys and being with them, we had our series of ups and downs- the roller coaster rides.
what makes me tick is that, in these two different relationships, with totally two different people, why was I the one who got my heart broken?
i do learn something, though. haha so yeah, i might not be the best person to give love and relationship advices but maybe, you can learn a thing or two.
first off is,

-communication: talk and share. if you dont want to tell your partner anything, then just dont. the mistake that we often make is that, we lie- we make up untrue stuff in the mean of not wanting him or her gets hurt. always remember that, a little white lie will lead to another lie, which will lead to a bigger lie. also, know that communication is a two-way process= when one talks, one has to listen and vice-versa.

- on being sensitive: try to understand your partner and the situation that theyre in before you go into an outburst. its the fundamental law of problem solving- observe and analyze. after you come up with an assumption, do test the theory (which brings us back to numero uno- talk, talk, and talk). ask your partner, put yourself in your partner's shoes, and comfort them the best way you can.

- full understanding: not even knowing his or her favorite color is a no-no. when you decide to be with someone, immediately take the effort to get to know them from the simplest thing like favorite movie to deep, emotional stuff. every moment that is spent together is perhaps the best way to read and understand your partner. we often assume people without even knowing who and what they really are. watch their body languages and behaviors- youll be surprised with what youll find.

- sincerity: the moment you set your eyes and heart on your partner, you know that he or she is the one- or should be the one. love them sincerely with all your heart. that way, you wont even think of hurting them and messing up in the first place.

its not wrong to set a bar to what we look for in someone- everybody wants the best, am i right or AM I RIGHT? :)
if youve been in and out of love, dont sweat it. look at those bittersweet moments as hurdles that you just have to pass through before you get to the finishing line.
in the mean time, hershey's extra dark chocolate and great tvs are awesome healers! (trust me :D)

till then,
x

"girls have unique powers; they get wet without water, bleed without injury and make boneless things hard"

2010-10-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

Im glad a guy finally was thinking and realized how girls feel. Read it, its very true.

Guy:
"Stop being so hard on yourselves. I know way too many really beautiful girls who think they don't look good... It hurts... because it's our fault, guys I mean. We make girls feel like they have to be perfect. You know what I mean, flat stomach, huge boobs, round ass, long legs, big lips, and on top of all that, they have to dress like a whore, and be one as well... nobody can measure up to that... and its not fair... because nobody should have to. The little imperfections are what make people special. If everyone was perfect the world would be so boring, variety is what makes life interesting. So guys, stop making girls have to live up to your, I'm sorry, our... deluded fantasy visions of perfection. Stop acting like boys and start being men... realize that women don't exist to fufill our sexual desires. Stop talking to them solely to get with them, be nice to them because you want to be their friend, not because you want to hook up with them. Say nice things about them not to flatter them in hopes that you'll get some, but because you know they like to hear them. In short... we need to grow up and stop being dicks... just because we have them doesn't mean we need to think with them."

- Unknown

hahaha i think its a good one :)

If you look inside a girl's heart
and see how much she cries
you will find secrets,
best friends and lies
but what you'll see the most
is how hard it is to stay strong
when nothing is right
and everything is wrong

xxx

las noches en la calle

2010-10-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

the manly scent with a mix of sweat.
them sexy shoulders.
tanned skin, subtle.
the way he looked you in the eyes,
the kind of way that actually kills.
literally.
that makes you giddy and jumpy even for a mere second, which really, feels so long.
those brown eyes.
and how he got that dracula-cowboy thing going,
mysterious and macho.
and how, in the same time, he rocked that awfully bright blue bomber jacket and Pikachu backpack,
how alive.
the awesome thing ever?
the connection that makes us clicked as fast as a zap of lightning.
creative writing, mexican food, soccer, our obsession on certain (ancient) cartoons, the beach, nike high-tops, world peace, the fact that we can talk about biology and world history all day long, or cars.
how he always bit his lower lips before he said anything,
how he sounded (and looked) so cute when he laughed which he would then crinkled his nose.
how he always got his face so very near to your face for every time he wanted to talk, that you could actually hear every decibel of his breathing, which made your heart thumped, in the most racy tempo possible.
how he would dragged you outside of class during the 5-minute break so that he could say hi (officially and personally) to you.
how he outsmarted you with any fact about anything in the world, which made you felt the need to top him, thus making encyclopedia brittanica the highest hit on your net's history.
how he knew you preferred parmesan over mozarella that he went on walking 12blocks down because the first two stores were out of parmesan on that particular frosty winter night.
how he always had an extra pen because you always lost yours. always, like on a daily basis.
how he soothed you with hershey's extra dark chocolate and his infamous virgin daiquiri after you bawled over disney's the hunchback of notre dame even for the 15th time.
how he could tell how upset you were just by listening to your 'hello' over the phone.
how he hugged you the day before you went away, so hard you felt not only your bones were crushing but also your soul.
how he cried in front of you for the first time,
how he begged you to stay,
and how,
for the first time,
you became him.
gathering your strength, pulling yourself together,
and confidently,
you told him how funny a thing called fate can be. you can never be too sure like before, but never ever dare to stop believing in it. in us. in everything. even if fate wouldnt play its miracle on us, at least, we had it good all the way.
and i have come to learn how to become
as strong, as tough, as confident,
as him
ever since.
thank you.
fate is,
still a funny thing :)

x

holy mother of pearl

2010-10-17T00:43:00.001-07:00

okay, scratch that :P

i just got an email from my dear ol' high school

and there'll be a 5th reunion- which is exactly the first one, but because it's held every five years, so... yea, you get the picture.

it's our 1st 5th reunion (every reunion will be a 1st, i guess. 1st 5th, then 1st 10th, 1st 20th...)

anyhoooo

who's kind enough to fly me to NYC this thanksgiving?

i'll love you forever,

i promise

*pwetty pweeeasee*

get this

2010-10-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

to those who's always thought im in need of something (love) and someone (a boyfriend),

i am single.

i am happy being single.

i am not looking for anyone- anybody that's special, no no.

i am okay having a lot of guy friends.

i am not having any kind of affairs with any of my guy friends.

i am single and i am happy to keep it that way for now.

so,

dont assume me

dont talk bad about me

dont push me

okay?

o~kaaaay.

blue october

2010-10-06T03:22:00.000-07:00

btw, i used to listen to blue october back in high school. they rockkk.

school's going to be over soon :) and i dont even know what my plan really is. life's plan? haha forever clueless.

lysa's engagement is on this sat. huda's getting married on nov20.

aww :) i bet their happy-o-meter is hitting the big 10. congratulations :)

ive always dreamed of having an all-white wedding, with my groom singing robbie williams' "she's the one" while im walking the aisle, looking beautiful and bubbly. haha so much for a wedding, eh.

nah, its alright. im not bothered much. im still looking forward to weddings and happy couples :)

till then,

hey

2010-09-29T03:11:00.000-07:00

remember when we used to get high together?

when we would laughed at every single thing nevertheless how unfunny they were? when we thought that we were the few coolest crowd left on this earth when the truth is, we were lamer than the lamest?

remember when we used to spent hours on ym playing tic-tac-toe and you would let me win every single game?

remember how we used to be on the phone from midnight till morning, telling each other everything sweet and nice?

remember when you used to look me in the eyes and gave me your dorkiest smile ever and i looked back at you and told you "i love you".

and and

remember when it was so easy for me to say those three words simply because i only had one reason to do so.

you.

remember when you used to be my everything?

i often ask myself,

have i really got over you? if so, why did i, for a little while, still care about you, in the sense that, i got jealous for every flirty comments you get on your myspace, i still asked you whether youve eaten or not, and i'd get concerned over your unhealthy choice of food.

but, after a while too,

can i ask you the same?

have you forgotten me already? because it seems like you have and believe me,

im happy knowing that youve moved on. but, what saddens me is,

your breaking your promises that you made to me. over and over, and over again.

when we first met, you told me that i was special.

but you made a confession that your love for me was not as conclusive.

when we had our first problem, you told me that you wont do it again.

but you lied to me.

when you dumped me, you told me that it was you, not me.

but you changed your story and blamed me for not being there for you.

when we have broken up, you told me that i could always have you because we would be the best of friends in the world.

but your girlfriend hates me and just like that,

i lost you again.

i very much want to tell you,

that all i ever did was loving you. nothing more, nothing less.

you're still a part of me- i had you when i first knew what love really is. i grow with you by my side.

how could you left just like that and for years, what you did has haunted me.

you wouldnt know all these, would you?

because to you,

im nothing but just another one of your girls who you apparently loved a little more than the others.

and you must have thought that i really am okay with everything just because im all smiles and with this brave suit on, im invincible.

dear you, the person who still have my heart,

im weak and you make me even weaker. you were the one who actually never there for every time i needed you, and you still are.

im not mad. ive got no reason to be mad at you.

what more could i do when your feeling for me was gone, right?

but why did you come back and made the same mistake again?

the truth is, at least to me,

you are a heartless person.

i dont care if your feeling for me now is super real. that just wont cut the fact that you have someone right now and youre pretty much cheating on her by telling me all these now.

youre still the same. and im sorry for that.

rants and rambles

2010-09-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

i dont get guys most of the time.

they think theyre so great when theyre not. you know what ticks me the most?

when they did something and they make it seems like it was your fault.

"im sorry you dont understand the situation we're in",

"i'm sorry i cant be the perfect man that youre looking for",

"im sorry your trust for me has long gone"

ultimate fucker, right?

why cant they just admit that they are at fault, in a direct manner?

"im sorry for what i did has made you feel blablabla"

i guess, that's why communication is the key to a successful happy relationship. but not everyone is able to communicate well.

we say words, but we often dont mean each of them.

we hear others, but we rarely listen.

frustrating kan.

hush

2010-09-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

when the night wont fall

and the sun wont rise.

as you see the best,

when you close your eyes.

i pass.

all these tacky surprises,

are no longer amusing.

for all the times that

i thought i was strong enough,

that i would have stood still,

that i should have held my head high.

i pass.

for the utmost time,

i pass.

the worst defeat ever.

tatatadaa

2010-09-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

heyy :) i havent really been writing about what's up (so far) with, well, everything.

i told you that my second year has started, didnt i? it kicks off pretty fast, too. final is in a two-month time and

inshallah, i think im doing alright so far.

my whole life, ive been a student. and to be honest, i never find that to be exciting at all. haha go figure.

not that im unmotivated or anything like that but,

if i could take a pick of what i very much want to do aqui y ahora,

hitting the book, going to college, attending classes, writing term papers, are not even in the amidst of my wants.

i want to travel the world. wont it be fun if you could just wake up in the morning and grab all your stuff then go back-packing all around europe?

of course it would.

pero la vida no es facil.

i find it funny almost all the time.

to see them students (including myself) studying our asses off and getting worried about midterms and eventually ends up being overly stressed.

do all these really worth it?

the life itself, i mean.

as much as i strive hard to become a good student,

i despise the idea of today's method(s) of seeking knowledge.

get out and explore.

get out and fail.

get out and make it work.

now that's the life that's worth living.

ive always thought,

if 70 years old is the average life's expectancy of us asians,

picture this.

the first 25 years of our life are filled with pressures of striving and struggling.

good grades, graduates 1st in your class, med school acceptance, love triangles,

nasty rumors, catfights, stage competitions, etc.

and then, the next 30 years with the so-called career.

it'd be great if things really work out the way we plan them to be but again,

where's the fun in that.

i always remind myself, be spontaneous. because constance is a bore.

and of course, the strive and struggle to impress will continue on.

retirement. sounds like a relief, right?

but have we really done much in our lives?

this is just something that i think of over and over.

haha well,

it's nice to have plans.

but life needs surprises.

and they can be nice ones or unpleasant ones.

be prepared, because those surprises are our real teachers.

till then,

two years

2010-09-01T06:10:00.001-07:00

eyes closed.

deep breath.

scents of the morning midst.

slowly breath out.

how divine.

eyes closed.

deep breath.

listen to the wind,

and hear the wave as it hits the shore.

slowly open the eyes.

how beautiful.

eyes closed.

deep breath.

a very deep breath.

feel the strong breeze as it touches the face,

taste the salty-sandy sensation as you run freely.

just keep going

ahead,

and dont turn back.

then,

shout

on top of your lungs.

how heavenly.

if you ever fall,

chin up

walk straight

chest out

and never lose the smile

atta girl.

now,

repeat.

how serene.

san sebastian, 09012007.

much love,

the matter of bubkes

2010-08-25T01:32:00.000-07:00

at times like this, i always wonder,

what if this was just a dream.

something that was actually nothing as soon as i woke up.

i know,

i should really stop being such a kvetch by now- or long time ago.

the truth is, i cant handle this. im such a wreck. im very much shattered.

but it helps a lot to even have a little hope and believe inside of me.

i thank you to all the lovely companies that have my back.

that are always there for every tumble and rumble that ive been having.

thank you.

and thank you.

someone told me,

allah wont be testing us the test that we cant handle.

:) that gives me a reason to smile.

inshallah,

patience is virtue.

perhaps, my real happiness is not yet to come.

apa yang penting sebenarnya?

haha i honestly dont know. all of us do have our very own bull's eye(s), right?

i just want to be happy. how happy? i dont know.

my fondest memory of being truly happy was a childhood one.

i was in my nek's kitchen, learning how to make the perfect dough for her infamous karipaps that she was selling around the kampung. we woke up at 4am. well, i woke up like 3am because of my uber-exicetement haha poor my lil old nenek.

so she pretty much did everything but i had so much fun :) and the only other person who can make the best karipap like my nek's is me :P

betuuuul! haha aww i feel like crying now.

i miss nenek so much.

i love you.

lets think about this,

we spend a lot of our time wondering about what path to take in our lives. but sometimes, you dont really have to worry about the big decisions. at times, these decisions are made for you- and that whatever happens is always for the best.

and perhaps,

it's time for me to pack my things up once again

and start back. once again.

i blew stanford- which, was very very stupid haha but my reason was fair enough.

i'll try again :) wish me luck, por favor.

and perhaps, it's for the best.

i say goodbye one too many times.

another one wont hurt that much.

hasta luego

"im engaged!", she screamed in her most overly-excited, high-pitched yet a little husky (shows too overjoyed with the good news) voice. and i went

2010-08-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

aww so in love,
so full of love.
i wish i could still feel like one.
:)
im loved, i know.
i might not know who but there's somebody out there
that ought to love me.
haha creepy much? i dont mean it in the sense of getting stalked or anything like that.
i just wish,
really really wish,
that i could feel the love.
so that i could share my amorous momento.
well
it's no longer fear. it's pain. and i very much want to avoid that.
ive fallen for jerks and asses.
jerks and asses are what seem to be coming in and out, and still be sticking around me.
the truth is,
we eventually are able to forget all the bad things that happened to us but then, we remember.
that's when it sucked.
that's when you'd feel that everything ahead of you is nothing but recurring taunted past.
i'd love to give myself another try but i guess i think of things too much.
haha yea?
try being me then.
i need to be fixed.
and there's a thin line, huge gap between damaged and broken.
im number 2: repairment is such a waste and definitely not an option.
i do miss having someone that becomes a part of me- i really do
but ive been alright, havent i?

nevertheless,
spread the love :)

x

only one

2010-08-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

i miss you. i really do.
though you wouldnt think so hehe
im sorry for all the things that have made us like this- apart, longing, distant...
i wish for the time to be turned back. know what would i do back then?
i would tell you how much it hurts for every little lies that you tell. so that you would stop lying to me. so that you know, like you do now.
and i would tell you how insensitive you were, so that you would treat me with respect, like you do now.
i'd also let you know that i break easily, so that you would take a very good care of me. like you do now.

i know,
i have it all now but i cant feel anything.
:( it's too late.
if only you knew what you know.
it breaks my heart for every time youre trying so hard to make me happy.
proving that youve changed, that my happiness is much more important than yours.

the greatest paradox ever?
to love someone so much that it hurts,
the pain wont be a matter,
it's love that you'd feel.

i love you. i always do.
my heart is yours, and i know that yours is mine, too.

it's hard, haha
you push me away but then, you're the one who drag me back to the very same spot.
you're the reason.

you
are
the
only
exception.

hey, beyk :) wait for me.
till we meet again,
x

home = heart

2010-08-06T04:22:00.000-07:00

... and i dont even know where is mine.
haha
yea, it's that bad.
i thought this would be easy,
that i would be strong enough to face every possibility, as well as impossibility,
and i thought,
ive found home. my home.
i never did, actually.

im angry
im sad

hoo boy. acting as if nothing happens and having the courage to put up a smile are tiring.
but i guess,
im pretty good at it.
and it does make everything worthwhile.

i dont even know who my true self really is.

have you ever thought of going away to somewhere else that is far from your current bitter reality,
and starting fresh?
new environment, new surrounding, a new identity, por favor!

i have.
all the time.

remember,
you guys are lucky :)
you wouldnt want to be me.

xo

hey hey hey

2010-08-01T03:14:00.000-07:00

i very much want to write, i swear, i was agitated to log in blogger! haha
yea, i was.
but now i dont feel like writing :P

till then,
x

:)

2010-07-20T22:46:00.001-07:00

death is easy,
life's hard.
life's unfair.
life's a bitch. sometimes.

i used to always feel that im the unluckiest person in the world but over time,
ive come to realize that im nothing compared to a whole lot of other people.
that gives me a reason to smile :)

money. perfect partner. excellent health.
popularity. the 2nd einstein. great body.
flawless complexion. pearly white smile.
and the list goes on.

you wont find enough satisfaction with those. at least, i wont.

i just want to be truly happy. like, back when i was a kid. innocent. unknowing.
naive is a good word. gullible, too.
back when i had no cares and worries about any kind of big and scary problems.
i dont want to be angry anymore but anger is part of me.
im not proud of it but it does do me good sometimes.

sometimes,
life's just right.

xo

isya bebeh :)

2010-06-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

Your hari lahir bila ?
sept22, 89. hadiah pliiis :P

Tahun ni hari apa your birthday ?
wed :)

Zodiak anda ?
virgo

Sila copy n paste http://www.tentangcinta.com/artikel-cinta/rahsia-bulan-kelahiran/ dan cari bulan kelahiran anda dan publish kan .

Sangat bersopan santun & bertolak ansur,
sangat cermat,teliti & teratur,
suka menegur kesilapan org lain & mengkritik,
pendiam tapi pandai bercakap,
sikap sangat cool sangat baik & mudah simpati,
sangat perihatin & terperinci,
amanah,setia & jujur,
kerja yg dilakukan sangat sempurna,
sangat sensitif yg tidak diketahui org yg banyak berfikir,
daya pentaakulan yg baik,
otak bijak & mudah belajar,
suka mencari maklumat,
kawal diri dari terlalu mengkritik,
pandai mendorong diri sendiri,
mudah memahami org lain(daya firasat yg tinggi) kerana banyak simpan rahsia,
suka sukan,hiburan & melancong ,
kurang menunjukan perasaan terluka hatinya sangat lama disimpan, terlalu memilih pasangan ,
sukakan benda yg luas,
bersistematik

Apa pendapat anda tentang huraian bulan kelahiran anda ?
haha you tell me

Empat huraian yang ada pada diri anda ?
suka sukan,hiburan & melancong ,
kurang menunjukan perasaan terluka hatinya sangat lama disimpan, terlalu memilih pasangan ,
sukakan benda yg luas,
mudah simpati

Tiga huraian yang orang lain pernah kata pada anda ?
-mali xyah belajar pun xpe. (haro im not a born genius. its just time you blaja i xblaja. and vice versa hehe thats why lah)
-pendemdam (huish. no lah)
-kedekut (i shop when i feel like shopping. bkn kedekut. jimat lah hehe)

Ada apa apa komen ?
well, sometimes, ppl around you reflect who you are- they know you better tp dr luaran only maa

Pernah dapat hadiah birthday ? Simpan lagi hadiah hadiah yang orang bagi ?
pernah and yes simpan

Apa 3 hadiah yang masih simpan and siapa yang bagi ?
i think i keep all my bday gifts. i dont get so much but thats a good thing. im still able to keep track :)

Apa kenangan yang tidak boleh lupa masa birthday ?
i only celebrated once :) my 12th bday with all my good friends

Tahun ni ada mengharapkan birthday party / present ?
nahh

Teringin nak hadiah apa ?
as long as ada org ingat and wish, thatll make my bday, well, my bday hehe

Apa reaksi anda bila orang memberikan kejutan hadiah yang anda inginkan sempena your birthday ?
shakil did this 2years ago haha i shouted like crazy and then nangis terharu. ahahaha :P

!

2010-06-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

jika anda (wanita) atau sahabat anda (wanita) telah mengandung anak diluar nikah, maka sampaikan pesanan ini kepada mereka. Email yang kami terima ni pada mulanya dilihat hanya perkara ringan tetapi sebenarnya bila dibaca rupa-rupanya masih ramai saudara-saudara kita diluar sana yang hidup sehariannya bertemankan zina yang berterusan biarpun di dalam ikatan suami isteri. Jadi ambil masa sedikit dan renung-renungkan jika kita tak mahu terlibat secara tidak langsung dengan dosa yang dilakukan kenalan kita sendiri.

BACA UNTUK PENGETAHUAN SENDIRI DAN PEDOMAN SEMUA…HIDUP SEBAGAI SEORG BERNAMA ISLAM YANG BERTERUSAN HIDUP DLM KEJAHILAN.

Sesungguhnya, permasalahan ini berat. Perhatikan soalan 1 – 5. Perkahwinan seumpama ini Hari ini memang tersangat biasa kerana keluarga biasanya memilih jalan ini untuk menutup malu. Bila dapat tahu anak pregnant luar nikah, cepat cepat dikahwinkan. .

Berdasarkan kenyataan ini, nikah itu TIDAK SAH, maka pasangan itu kelak hidup dalam zina sampai bila-bila. Persoalan ini telah diajukan kepada seorang Imam, di mana banyak persoalan lain timbul dari persoalan pokok tersebut. Saya kongsikan bersama anda di sini kerana ianya amat penting:

Soalan 1 :
Apakah langkah yang sewajarnya sekiranya seorang gadis belum berkahwin didapati hamil anak luar nikah?
Jawapan 1 : Gadis itu tidak boleh berkahwin sehingga bayi itu dilahirkan..

Soalan 2 :

Sekiranya lelaki yang bertanggungjawab itu bersedia mengahwini gadis itu, bolehkah mereka bernikah?
Jawapan 2 : Tidak. Mereka tidak boleh bernikah sehingga bayi itu dilahirkan.

Soalan 3 :

Adakah pernikahan itu sah sekiranya mereka berkawin?
Jawapan 3 : Tidak. Pernikahan itu TIDAK SAH. Seorang lelaki tidak boleh mengahwini seorang wanita hamil, walaupun lelaki itu merupakana ayah kepada bayi yang dikandung itu.

Soalan 4 :

Sekiranya mereka bernikah, apakah tindakan mereka untuk memperbetulkan keadaan?
Jawapan 4 : Mereka mesti berpisah. Perempuan itu mestilah menunggu sehingga melahirkan, atau sehingga sah dia tidak mengandung, barulah mereka boleh bernikah sekali lagi, secara sah.

Soalan 5 :

Bagaimana sekiranya keadaan itu tidak diperbetulkan?
Jawapan 5 : Maka mereka akan hidup di dalam zina kerana pernikahan itu tidak sah

Soalan 6 :

Apakah hak seorang anak luar nikah?
Jawapan 6 : Kebanyakan pendapat mengatakan bahawa anak itu TIADA HAK untuk menuntut apa-apa daripada ayahnya..

Soalan 7 :

Sekiranya hukum mengatakan lelaki itu bukan ayah kepada anak tersebut, adakah itu bermakna dia bukan mahram kepada anak perempuannya sendiri?
Jawapan 7 : Ya. Dia tidak boleh menjadi mahram.

Soalan 8 :

Sekiranya seorang lelaki Muslim Dan seorang wanita Muslim (atau bukan Muslim) ingin bernikah setelah bersekedudukan, apakah tindakan yang sewajarnya?
Jawapan 8 : Mereka mesti tinggal berasingan segera Dan menunggu sehingga perempuan itu haid satu kali sebelum mereka boleh bernikah.

Soalan 9 :

Sekiranya saya kenal/tahu seseorang di dalam keadaan ini, apakah saya perlu memberitahu kepadanya, atau lebih baik menjaga tepi kain sendiri?
Jawapan 9 : Anda wajib memberitahu, kerana itu sebahagian tanggungjawab anda sebagai saudaranya. Mereka harus diberi peluang untuk memperbetulkan keadaan mereka, kalau tidak semua keturunan yang lahir dari pernikahan tidak sah itu adalah anak-anak yang tidak sah taraf.

Kesimpulannya: Ibubapa, saudaramara, org2 kampung, tok2 imam, tok2 kadi Dan saksi-saksi yang tahu akan keadaan tersebut tetapi mendiamkan, membiarkan atau membenarkan pernikahan tersebut diteruskan maka mereka juga tidak terlepas daripada menanggung azab Dan seksaan samada didunia atau pun diakhirat. Orang lain yang sedap, kita yang menanggung pulak ye?

sometimes

2010-06-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

i wish i could pour my heart out and write everything that's been bothering me, but i just cant.
but it's okay.
really, it is alright :)
sometimes, it is better for us to share our happiness to the world instead of our sadness and misery.
though that sounds unlikely.
my life, so far, is defined with only one word.
BALANCE.
haha yea, i do have some sort of a balance in my life.
not the typical work-hard-play-hard kind of stuff but more like,
things went great, then things go downhill the next.
but again,
it's okay.
i believe in reasons.
sometimes, good thing comes to our life as a prize for our good deeds (thus far) or a lesson in-progress along the way.
but then, often, the good things gone bad. as if, we're crashed with a bad mojo.
well, don't sweat it.
sometimes, it is because of "to err is human" or perhaps, as a reminder; a teacher.
i dont have it all- i cant always get what i want.

but it's okay. ive been alright.

xo

heatstroke

2010-05-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

it's so hot and i can't stand it. Dizzyness urghh.
How's cairo going to be :s
At times like this, the ac is my bestfriend. And popsicles, too!

Xx

typical. dearest juliati rahman,

2010-05-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

i so love to beat you in your own game so pardon my language here on MY behalf as you read skank and ho.

the heart breaker.

the nosy-pecker.

the wrecker.

the stupid.

- why do these kinds of people must involve in my life?

julia, im done with you.

fuck you. you suck real bad.

fuck you and your airhead boyfriend.

both of you are fucking idiots.

gosh, ive got so many insulting terms to throw at you and your man-whore but you guys are just so irrelevant.

you made up lies about me. too bad nobody believed them.

fucker,

you keep on making an ass out of yourself.

if i were you -god forbid- i would stop already.

what do you want from me, bitch?

what have i ever done to you?

this is sad. just plain sad.

i never knew you so well until your true cut-throat bitch color showed.

your hating me just make me more lovable by others.

you dont want that, do you?

so, please.

fuck off!

get over high school. grow up.

more fucks to come if you choose to keep on fucking with me,

fuck you.

p/s: as for your boyfriend, do pass him this message: i dont do pondans.

like a warm winter breeze...

2010-05-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

soothing but temporary.
calming but involuntary.
desirable but impossible.

that is why, when being asked,
which snow is the best snow?
my answer would definitely be
santa fe, new mexico.
not the white aspen or the cool catalouchee or the frosty central park,
but just,
a humble peak of sunny taos.

oh, i hate winter, i must say.
moreover, being cold most of the time.
nevertheless how beautiful it may be.

can i say,
im having the winter blue?
a warm winter blue.
though how major the irony is as im currently in one of the world's sun countries.

snuggles and cuddles,
xo

fate and feta are meant to be cheesy

2010-05-08T00:03:00.000-07:00

background song: imma single laydah, immmmma single laydaaah <3

so on monday, i weighed myself. hoyeah! ive dropped about 4kgs.
then today, on saturday, i looked at the weighing machine...
the broken weighing machine.
holy mother of pearl.
i have actually gained 8kgs!
but then, i checked and rechecked,
it really is broken!
agagagaga
my actual weight?
it is still a mystery- a mystery that i myself dont want to solve.
(okay, this is annoying but just a fun fact: it gets on my nerve when ppl write "i myself" or "me myself". the second one is undoubtly so not engriiish but "i myself"? por que? "i" itself is not enough? hah. an awkward pun- awkward. pun. does the association of those two words/situations even exist? sorry. i havent been in school for a while.)
but my nose looks kind of bigger now (^o0^)
they say that if your nose looks bigger, that means that your face is getting slimmer.
is there such thing?
and my eyes do look a lil bigger.
no no.
not my forever big teeth.
eyes.
im off to miri in 16 days and i really want to look my best haha
macam ada org tgk.
but whatever.
im sure everyone, anyone wants to look good in their own term.
so my definition of looking good is,
to stay at 98pounds and zit-less.
a lil height, too.

anyway, im a whole new person from now on.
i am...
sasha fierce arrrrr :P (sorry, that pirate guy from spongebob has been stucked inside my head for a while)

until then,
xx

lets wrap things up :)

2010-05-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

seek happiness rather than forgiveness.
- as a happy person will forget but a forgiving one might not.

...because ive been alone all along (eh, is that a song? :P)

im not the talking kind. so what?
you couldve figured.
i once hoped that this would work.
that this would finally be my chance to see things differently.
but,
its nothing but the same thing.
i was hurt in the past.
i am hurting now, too.
yea yea. we've had our times in the sun but it's over.
thank you for the memories. i hope you'll find yourself someone that really suits you.
no matter how much you want me to stay,
the truth is,
im long gone.

and to me,
its not that i dont care- its just not worth the fight anymore.
open your eyes and heart, for once.
every little mistakes that youve kept on doing,
never blame those on the fact that youre just human. im a humanbeing, too.
but i learn. and i avoid doing the same mistakes because i know that is how we should really work things out.
yet, its different with you.
youre a great talker, enough said. it seems like youve given me way too many hopes for you seem like you really really and really know what is wrong and you really really want to fix us.
but youre not. you never did.

you see,
i feel so much better since i gave up hopes.
please deal with that.
just leave me alone now.

hasta luego no more,
x

this holiday

2010-05-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

im technically brain-dead by now.
too much of staying in doesnt do for me.
i need to move
blabla yadayada
yea whatever.

anyway,
i MIGHT.
yea,
might
be saying goodbye SOON.
not telling :P
but i WILL.
SOON.

i love watching all these family, babies, parenthood, etc shows! they make delivery so so so easy haha
8 kids. 12 kids. 20 kids :o
what a bless. blesses, i mean.
i just watched the duggars' show and jon&kate plus 8. aww kan :)

i have no point of blogging about anything, really.
haaaah

so
till then,
xo

wuwuwu T_T

2010-05-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

eh, no tears ahh?
ya lor. tired oledi maa.
so how lei?
cry inside lah ho.
haiya.
no need lah.
*sigh* yayaya

read it, chew 'em words, and feel sorry for yourself

2010-04-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

"The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human… But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. One edge is the misuse of the word, which creates a living hell. The other edge is the impeccability of the word, which will only create beauty, love, and heaven on earth."

Don Miguel Ruiz, quoted from The Four Agreements.

suck it up,
xx

:))))

2010-04-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

heyyy.
so i just got my result back.
sem2 had been a blast! and im so happy with my result, alhamdulillah :)
im looking forward to the new 2010/2011 term! hello again, uia. eh, iium :P
muchos besos xxxxx

p/s: i have two majors now! which means, day and night classes! wawaweewa!

xo :)

on being funny... NOT!

2010-04-18T05:46:00.000-07:00

i have been in several occasions where people make snotty remarks or some witty banters. amusing? maybe at first, but come to think about them, it was more like a HAHA. VERRRRY FUNNY. IDIOT.
get what i mean?
some example:
during my high school years, i did a lot of waitressing at my mom's restaurants, the chateau, and border's coffeeshop and i must say, it was interesting haha i met a lot of people, of course. a lot of weird people jackasses:

the restaurant

customer A: dik, boleh ke kalau abg mintak ice lebih? kena charge tak?
me: tak. boleh je. nak ice lebih ke?
customer A: kalau nasik goreng ni minta sayur lebih, kena charge tak?
me: tak, tak kena. so abg nak ice lebih utk milo ni and lebih sayur lah?
customer A: kalau macam tu, nasik goreng kampung, nasik lebih. tadi ckp tak kena charge kan?
me: (-_-") *mcm ni pun ada ka*

chateau

me: good morning, ma'am :) what can i get for you? btw, we have a fresh delivery of blueberry muffins this morning. they're still hot, would you like to have one?
customer B: can you show me your I.D? i just want to make sure that you're not one of them.
me: huh? my I.D? one of them? i don't understand.
customer B: you know, *whipering* the talibans
me: (-_-") *fuck you, granny*

coffeeshop

the manager: amalina! (the way he said my name was more like 'omalina')
me: yea, robbie?
the manager: can you help me out here? go to the couple right at that corner and ask them what do they want.
me: sure but im kinda busy with the register. why don't you ask christy. she's on the break.
the manager: i could but they're australians. i thought of letting a foreigner to entertain any of my foreign customers. smart, huh?
me: (-_-") *asshole*

recently,

a friend of a friend of mine (AFOAFOM): amalina dari mana ni? :D(this means a huge grin)
me: dari pasar malam :)(this means trying to be friendly)
AFOAFOM: oh, pasar malam? pasar malam buka sampai malam, ya? :D
me: bahahaahahahahahahahah :DDDDD(this was me laughing right in her face. i felt bad :P)

that is why sometimes, i feel like my life is some kind of a soap. perhaps, a comedy.

xo

boo!

2010-04-07T04:11:00.000-07:00

heyy,, if i were to tell the truth that surely would rip off the heart of a supposedly special someone, would i be considered honest? Should i be patted on the back?
Or if i chose to keep a lie for the longest of time because i dont want to hurt that supposedly special someone- I should be credited for that, shouldnt i?

x

not much of a saturday

2010-04-03T01:14:00.000-07:00

salam :)
I am now writing my blog via my cool new phone (new cool phone; new new phone so cool hehe ngada) :) thank you to dabdab for getting me this :)

Anyway, i had a great dinner with the family of his at a mediterranean restaurant, somewhere along the BB strip, which was very delightful :) his parents are awesome people, and his sister and i went along just fine, and ive known (as in weve met before) his older bro from school.

:)

Cuz of exams, warm night, and zilch internet connection, i decided to spend my night reading up and surfing the net at McD, taman melati. So i was inside the joint from 1030pm-430am so thats like, 6hrs top? yea and then i got super sleepy so i packed up my stuff, thought that i should get back to the car to doze off. While walking to my car, which was like a mere 10-step distance, i could felt the chills, man. The kind of chill that send shiver to your spine- i was super scared and being extra paranoid than ever. I swear, i could not stopped praising God that i made it to my car.

I slept and i woke up like 5smthng, almost 6 and i looked outside, ramai lah org. A perodua viva, that parked next to me had been broken into! The shotgun's window, which was really2 nxt to me. I was trembling so hard i almost i cried. I knw its horrible for being grateful that such thing didnt happen to my car, but somebody else's (which could hv been mine cuz i had my laptop bag shown, too)- but i really am thankful. What a night/ morning,,

Please beware of this particular McD's joint, as well as just anywhere. You never knw, right. Never put any valuable stuff inside your car, and screw you, bad ppl!

xo

hello~o~o~o

2010-03-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

wow. i havent been writing for quite a while. i miss my blogspot :)

some updates:
- final mode. :) but glad, though. im feeling anticipated with this sem finale.
- the return of the man-slut, babi-mouth. okay. not talking bout him. babi is haram, nuff said.
- the oh-so-happy-nyaaaa period. that makes me go lala~ hehe
- consistently good early than ever sleeping pattern. niiiice.
- dvd reruns of death-related shows. they somewhat make me calm and happy. like, i look forward to every second ehe.
- food glorious food. ive been eating a lil bit too much lately. nevertheless, its heavenly!
- okay, bye and i'll write some more soon :)

xo

yes. i do want to be with you :)

2010-03-09T06:18:00.000-08:00

Zack: Ouch, papercut! Kiss it, Mr. Moseby?
Mr. Moseby: You can't even see it.
Zack: You can't see a broken heart either, but it still hurts.

... but a broken can be mended and healed :) i love you. i know, youve tried so hard to gain my trust back. i love you :)

"How did we get so broken? ... We fell in love. And at some point the people who we loved forgot to love us back."

2010-03-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

yes, i'll keep the promise. but, will you?
:) hey,
i miss you.

xxx

roar! on love and pain

2010-02-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

Zazu: [singing] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. / Nobody knows my sorrow.
Scar: Oh, Zazu, do lighten up. Sing something with a little bounce in it.
Zazu: [singing] It's a small world after all...
Scar: NO! No, *anything* but that!

Adult Simba: She's wrong. I can't go back. What would it prove anyway? You can't change the past. You said you'd always be there for me. But you're not. It's because of me. It's my fault.

Timon: And if he falls in love tonight / It can be assumed...
Pumbaa: His carefree days with us are history.
Timon, Pumbaa: In short, our pal is doomed!

:)

Young Simba: Isn't it great?
Young Nala: We could get in big trouble.
Young Simba: I know.

x

jolly season :)

2010-02-14T06:07:00.000-08:00

because lately, its typical for me to receive great news from friends and some people that i know well, that are either:
a) seriously involved in a relationship (which means, hello steady bf/gf)
b) getting engaged
c) getting married
d) getting pregnant
e) having child(ren)

i just got a text from my former employer that she has delivered her healthy and super cute, super fair baby girl this afternoon! i really like the name- nur kasih atina adriana. its so va-va-voom hehe. i cant wait to meet up with her in-person :)
and jaszy was looking extra beautiful during her engagement day. its true then, bout the radiance, seri wajah thing. special day(s) and true happiness do bring out the beauty. congratulations, jaszy :) cant wait to see you next week so that you can show me your new marc jacobs, ehem *pinjaaaaam hehe*

i used to have this wrong, bad idea about commitment and being committed. i didnt believe in those things because of something something but people change, and i am glad that ive changed :)
some people might categorize love, trust, security, chemistry, and commitment in their very own special columns for each. but, at least in my point of view, all of these elements are essences of a working relationship. they should be in juxtapositions with each other.
without love, the relationship will be dull. without trust, the relationship will be stressful. without security, the relationship will be rocky. and without chemistry, the relationship will be nothing.
nobody wants a dormant relationship. its all about the mutuality and sacrifice thus, understanding and giving are very important. make yourself your partner's half. learn about him or her from the within.
most importantly, love them more than they love you.
i myself am not a great lover but i try my best to forget my past and realize that i am living now and that, i have someone that loves me more than anyone does. i know, i am lucky :) i thank god for him.

:) i remember the first time he asked me whether im okay if we got engaged at such a young age. i thought he was kidding and all that but to my surprise, he was super serious about it.
aww. my baby has grown up. slowly but still, he's growing up hehe :P

i love you

para los amistades en hay mundo,

x

oh happy day

2010-02-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

i just found out that my friend is married.
i just found out that another friend of mine has been married for almost 6months and is now expecting a baby.
i just found out that my other friend is getting engaged this saturday.
wow.
im so happy for you guys :) mating season, eh? :P i hope someday i would have my own happy days :)
congratulations SH, KAH, and JZ!

xxooxxooxxooxxoo

regardless of,,

2010-02-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

i dont get some people. most people, actually.
and by that, i mean you. siapa yang terasa, kan.

okay, so i write blog. but why do you have to be so critical about it? let me get things straight with you here since our lil conversation doesnt really stick inside your tiny mind.
you made fun of the things that i wrote. why, though? all the stuff that i have written are my very own story. and for your info missy, that is the freedom of speech that youve been babbling about. i read your blog every now and then, and my honest say as a reader?
GET A LIFE!
because, writng/criticizing/commenting/gossiping/trashtalking about others in your blog just shows that how pathetic you are. do you really have the right to judge other people? that is not the so-called freedom of speech. that is making an ass out of yourself.
and for your info, too, i write about me and my significance because i have a life and that i know, my stories might have impacts on others.
you know,
we're just humans. all of us own things that we're proud of having and the otherwise as well, so, learn from each other. theres no need to compete and condemn even through writings. and i am not saying this because i feel threaten or whatsoever but because i want you to realize that youve hurt so many people who you dont even know that well. and yet, youre bullshitting them through your blogging sanctuary.
if you really feel that youre a strong person who has gone through a lot in life, act like one. think before you act, and act wisely because consequences are always there.
if you feel that youre so different and unique, bear in mind that others are, too. theres no need to label, dont you think?
if you feel that youre in need of respect, respect yourself first by respecting others.
i am of course, in no position to judge you because, hey, im living a life :)

xo (and oh yea, im not a bimbo just cuz i write kisses and hugs in Xs and Os form. get to know me, will ya?)

it is terrible to be alone, and it is terrible to be in love, but one is cheaper than the other

2010-02-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

i'll keep on learning along the way,,

xx

:')

2010-01-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

have any of you ever listened to the song 'hey there delilah'?
im still moved by the lyrics. the melody is beautiful, too.
it used to be the song that i played over and over again on the ipod, computer, car...
the reminiscence of memories and memories and memories

but, ive found a cooler version! :)

:)
and this one kills haha

i have to admit,
every now and then i do wish for the time to be turned back but things that happened, they sure have reasons that might seem relevant enough (either we can see them now or later), right?

i went through the most difficult, saddest, yet the sweetest break up ever. because at that time, we were old enough to know that to love somebody elses would be hard. that the next relationship would be less meaningfull. that the promise 'we will be good friends. the best of friends' would never happened because we could never be anything less than what we were.

believe it or not,
time heals all the wounds and cuts.
and time shapes and time tells.

i thank you for every single thing that happened between us for it has taught me unaccountable lessons.

there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, the perfect couple, the perfect guy, etc.
but we can love perfectly.

:) the feeling that i had for you was unconditional, i must say. i loved you and i will always love you. not as a friend, and not as a lover. i just love you.

and i used to tell myself that i will never be able to fall in love with another guy. haha but of course, i was wrong.

hey mr presumptious :)
you make it easy.
thank you.

euro2008 final
063008
3am-ish

"amalina abdullah, i love you!!! i cant believe this. i love you! omg spain just scored. we won! our team won! amalina, i love you!!!"

spread the love.

xo

i need to get out

2010-01-26T01:59:00.000-08:00

because too much of staying in is making me numb and lifeless haha. to some extend, yea.
i miss the smell of the fresh cut grass.
i miss the painful drill for everytime we got game(s).
i miss the running, the chasing, the yelling, the kicking, the passing, the furious goalie at the other end.
i miss playing for fun.
i miss the sport.
i miss soccer.
with my current health condition, i dont think im fit enough to play. oh well. theres always virtual soccer haha.
anyhoo, some time after lunch today, i received a phone call.

"hello?"

"hello, amalina abdullah?"

"yea?"

"hi, amalina. im greg xxx from xxx university. i would like to inform you that our panel has arrived in kuala lumpur yesterday. so im calling you for the meet up tomorrow."

"oh, welcome to kl, greg. i hope the weather is treating you well *haha* may i know what time am i scheduled for?"

"its pretty warm and sunny but kl is very interesting *haha* i especially love the hospitality *haha* (duh... its your embassy ppl who youre with of course you love it) say, is 730 in the morning sounds good to you?"

"...730?"

"you see, im jetlagged. so, 730 suits me well."

"well, of course. no problem. see you tomorrow, greg. thanks for the call"

"alright, amalina. remember, 730 SHARP (he did emphasize on it). in the morning. okay, bye."

uh-oh. he seems/sounds tough, doesnt he. but no worry, though. its just a get together thingy. where theyll give me the letter, etc. and i need to give them an answer.

if i go, and still be feeling unsure, will it do me any good?
pray for me, will ya?

xx

where is the good in goodbye?

2010-01-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

hey :)

things have been pretty mixed up (so far). what i mean is, all the emotions are just there. happy, sad, exciting, confused, thrilling, screwed, you name it. lets say, if, if i got accepted into my dream school (which ive been dying for ever since i was a sophomore) which is thousands of miles away from home, would i be stupid to not accept the offer?
i dont know what to think. i dont even know what to think.
it is because some lil parts of me want to stay even though most of me want to go- far away from here.
time is getting shorter and i need to give an answer.
but
haha well. i did mention 'if'. yea. if only there is an 'if'.
i wont lie, i am happy. i feel blessed. syukur alhamdulillah for that but at some point, i feel hesitated. which sucks because im back to the feeling of indecissiveness.
what holding me back is this very special person. who has always been there no matter what. and when.
he might not be everything that i dream of. :) sometimes, not even close to what i expect but gosh, i just cant leave him or be without him. perhaps this is what they mean by 'two souls that are connected together'.
and i know, he needs me.
im not saying that im some kind of a guardian angel or feeling like i need to watch over him.
it is just we've been together for so long and i just know, we have to stay (close) with each other.
however,
the thing about me is,
ive always wanted to leave everything, everyone behind and then, have a fresh start. if possible, a new identity or something haha. people who dont know me well enough, or very well, have no idea what ive gone through. sure, i smile all the time and try to be all bubbly and chirpy but, i bet nobody would believe me if i told them ive been depressed and suicidal all along. i break easily. and i have things the hard way. i have trust issue due to some interesting events in my life that seem to be somewhat recurring over time.
tell me,
how can a girl, who is being told she is stupid and useless and a failure over and over even before she knew the meaning of all the hurtful words, make it through her life without feeling even a little sense of self-worth?
and how can this very girl learn to appreciate everything, everyone, when she is being treated like one hella punch bag?
but, somehow she's been alright.
:)
i am blessed with -which i take pride in- inner strength, patience, and good companions.
and one of them is, him.
im extremely independent. he teaches me that it is okay to receive help from others.
im somewhat negative. he tells me that life is not that bad.
im pretty critical. he looks into my eyes and says, "youre the most beautiful maiden. ever."
im broken. he fixes me.
of all the bad things that have happened between us,
there are still a lot of things that i am thankful for.
and that is why,
i still have no idea.
some people asked me, whats the big deal anyway? youll be back after 4, 5years, and you guys will be together again.
thats the thing. what if it doesnt work that way.
i just want to be happy. and i want the people that i care, to be happy too.

gnight xx

ay ayudame

2010-01-14T01:59:00.000-08:00

guys are asses.
indeed.
oh well,
who needs trust and security and understanding and all those bitchin stuff when
all you need is love.
fucker im not smiling.
you, misterrr, have successfully proved that,
-my theory of change in guys is most unlikely to occur-
to be almost correct!
at least thats something fo me to celebrate.

so yeah,
yayy lets opa!

listen.
yea weve been thru all that fairytale stuff,
and also the bad stuff.
so another bad stuff,
what the hell, aite.

go on and make me break again.
i promise you fo the utmost time,
i dont even care.

see ya dont wanna be yaaaa!

comrade, love bite(s), bollyaerobicwood, night-jay-walkin', sailor chibi moon, air kolah

2010-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

to conclude: i spent my 3-day weekend with them comrade mates (family aww) at sungai congkak for an induction course. we stayed at a cabin with bunkbeds and a lightbulb. yep, uno lightbulb. no fan. extremely stuffy. 34 girls.
C.O.M.R.A.D.E = community research for orang asli development.
its a club that delivers dakwah to the orang asli around pahang, ganu, and peghak.
http://comradeuiam.blogspot.com/ - :)

okay. so day 1:

we arrived at the camp site like 7pm and we went directly to our cabins.
two cabins for the girls, a chalet for the guys (there were only 5 male participants. -WWE, please preserve and save the male species from mass extinction hehe)
so after we chose our beds and everything, we went straight away to the 'hall'. more like a gathering area. but it was cool :)
maghrib and dinner with nasi kawah: 5people per tray. it was something else for me but i did not eat though. cuz i just couldnt. but it was no biggie.
then, isha' and yadayadayada,
icebreakin session.
haha okay im not really in a mood to write a memory piece. not as thorough and detailed like this.
lets just go straight away to the awesome stuff.
1. ive got bitten by mosquitoes T_T *hehe magic bite popcorn at kuching's mbo, the spring*. so my hands are all itchy and my cheeks, too!
2. bro jali was awesome. i think i like him. not like, like but he was being supercool with the facilitating part. our work out session was funny as hell marilah bergoyang gelek gerudi haha
3. oh yea. imma sailormoon haiyak. dont ask.
4. i love to bathe. so much that idiotically, i took my bath at least 3times a day there. and oh, i love cold water so it was heaven for me taking bath with the air kolah. which only on the very last day i knew that the water comes directly from the river. so yeah. freezy hair and rashes.
but still, cool.
5. we had a somewhat paranormal/adventurous activity: a night walk in the woods. it was on day2 and we started out "self-confident" session at 12midnite. and i cried cuz i heard weird noises and saw hantu pocong. course, brilliantly acted by them brothers. that would be my first and last time jungle-trekking at night.

our next plan is to go to a kampung in peghak. kampung husin, i think, -for a homestay. i'd love to go but ive got midterms :/ and i miss home mucho mas.
btw,
i have exams all day next week. bummmmmerrr.
monday: socio
tuesday: eng, science of quran
wednesday: revelation
thursday: abnormal psyc
okay girly, go go study haiyak haha
stanford kan.
stengfotttttttt.

bye-o

xxxx

well...

2010-01-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

its been good :)
thanks. sorry. gbye xx

life is simple. there is today. and there is tomorrow. unless you can rewind time, stop thinking about yesterday

2010-01-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

so i did some (deep and critical) thinking.
damn. what a bitch.
im sorry that ive been treating you like hell. im sorry im still lost in the long-gone pluto.
SORRY.
and i mean my sorry now.
i love you and i can always learn to love you more.
hope we're cool.

if i were to list down things that i would loooove to fix, it would still be super duper uber sucks because *wake up, sista!* theyre aint gonna be happenin anyway.

what i ought to do know is chin up and keep on walking. and walking.
as for a headstart,
another essay! :)
stanford. hah.
well,
inshaallah. its just a mere step away.
i must say,
i feel blessed :)
at least certain things are on my side now.
hmm. scratch that. i think everything is on my side now.
believing is seeing, not the otherwise.

so shoo tears and worries.
i dont need you no mo.

happy sunday, enjoy it while it lasts.
:)

xo

rants and rambles

2010-01-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

hehe ive got my writing boost, baby!

ive started my 2nd sem here in iium (sometimes it sounds cooler when you say iium instead of uia because umm... it sounds more international? lol. the fuck. so anyway...) last december. things have been pretty good so far :) alhamdulillah for that.
im talking about academic-wise, though. haha. say what. classes have been cool and all that- i hope i'll be able to breeze em all. i am now taking abnormal psychology, intro to sociology, arabic 2, revelation as the source of knowledge, science of quran, english for occupational purposes, and halaqah 2.
haha no no. im not taking a course to become an ustazah. people often think how radical iium seems to be. i think its just alright :) i kinda like it here.
when i was in the states, there were a lot of things that i didnt know. so yeah. you can tell how grateful am i to become an iium-ian. eceh. haha. inshaallah. im calmer and happier here :)
other than that, im planning on majoring in clinical psychology. and ive been doing some calculations hehe so ive like 3years of undergraduate + 1.5years of postgrad + 3years of doctorate = a psychologist at 28. bila nak kawen haha. jk!
and ohh. im minoring in political science, too hehe who knows i might fall into my plan B of becoming a diplomat :p
so yadayadayada. thats how my study seem to be like so far.
lets talk bout boys.
i must say that guys scare the hell outta me. i dont know why. especially those who are coming a lil bit too strong. theres this afghan guy, Z, who thinks he can buy me. hee. menakutkan.
and theres this sweet average-joe, H, who never stop talking sweet. aww. but sorry. no.
i prefer somebody that is worth the competition. a real catch.
oh wait. i have one. haha. dah dah belajar, then tido.

night xo

nuevo

2010-01-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

!hola! escribo en espanol lah k :p jaja.

anyway :)
so ive erased (ehe, deleted) all the previous posts.
i hate memories. ive had so much, and theyre bringing me down. not that im regretting but oh well. im only human. i think a fresh start is needed. pronto.
so here goes :)
hello 2010.
i hope youll be nice to me. please o please.
this year, i want to be a better person.
i want to love more. i want to study hard and pray even harder.
i have so much to offer :) believe me.
i dream big. i actually plan for this year.
so please.
you better do me good :)
adios y hasta pronto :)