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hey :) the name is amalina but im cool with mali.
or whatever nice.
im pretty laid-back.
im never serious.
haha well yea so get annoyed.
im a kid at heart, maybe a hippie too.
talk to me.
get to know me.
only then you can judge me.
January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011

Jan 24, 2010
where is the good in goodbye?

hey :)

things have been pretty mixed up (so far). what i mean is, all the emotions are just there. happy, sad, exciting, confused, thrilling, screwed, you name it. lets say, if, if i got accepted into my dream school (which ive been dying for ever since i was a sophomore) which is thousands of miles away from home, would i be stupid to not accept the offer?
i dont know what to think. i dont even know what to think.
it is because some lil parts of me want to stay even though most of me want to go- far away from here.
time is getting shorter and i need to give an answer.
haha well. i did mention 'if'. yea. if only there is an 'if'.
i wont lie, i am happy. i feel blessed. syukur alhamdulillah for that but at some point, i feel hesitated. which sucks because im back to the feeling of indecissiveness.
what holding me back is this very special person. who has always been there no matter what. and when.
he might not be everything that i dream of. :) sometimes, not even close to what i expect but gosh, i just cant leave him or be without him. perhaps this is what they mean by 'two souls that are connected together'.
and i know, he needs me.
im not saying that im some kind of a guardian angel or feeling like i need to watch over him.
it is just we've been together for so long and i just know, we have to stay (close) with each other.
the thing about me is,
ive always wanted to leave everything, everyone behind and then, have a fresh start. if possible, a new identity or something haha. people who dont know me well enough, or very well, have no idea what ive gone through. sure, i smile all the time and try to be all bubbly and chirpy but, i bet nobody would believe me if i told them ive been depressed and suicidal all along. i break easily. and i have things the hard way. i have trust issue due to some interesting events in my life that seem to be somewhat recurring over time.
tell me,
how can a girl, who is being told she is stupid and useless and a failure over and over even before she knew the meaning of all the hurtful words, make it through her life without feeling even a little sense of self-worth?
and how can this very girl learn to appreciate everything, everyone, when she is being treated like one hella punch bag?
but, somehow she's been alright.
i am blessed with -which i take pride in- inner strength, patience, and good companions.
and one of them is, him.
im extremely independent. he teaches me that it is okay to receive help from others.
im somewhat negative. he tells me that life is not that bad.
im pretty critical. he looks into my eyes and says, "youre the most beautiful maiden. ever."
im broken. he fixes me.
of all the bad things that have happened between us,
there are still a lot of things that i am thankful for.
and that is why,
i still have no idea.
some people asked me, whats the big deal anyway? youll be back after 4, 5years, and you guys will be together again.
thats the thing. what if it doesnt work that way.
i just want to be happy. and i want the people that i care, to be happy too.

gnight xx